Dark Depression, Anxious Anxiety
by Nukas
Summary: Graham knows he has a problem. He can't admit it, though his family knows. He has problems, yes, but it isn't their problem. He's 'different' or in his mind, a freak. A mistake. A downer. A character drabble/oneshot revolving around Graham Burns. The engineer everyone seems to forget, then again, he wouldn't blame everyone; he wants to forget himself too. Warnings/Disclaimer inside


Okay, first Transformers Rescue Bots fanfiction. I used to watch this show, every single episode, all the time when I was younger. About 10 years old, I would watch this show, I'm not revealing my age, but I'm currently under 18. SO yeah. So technically it wasn't that "younger" ago. But I also love TF prime! Favorite characters?

TFRB: Graham (So _freaking_ adorkable) and Cody bear… (Don't judge me)

TFP: Miko (yas girl) and of course, little baby Raf. (I love his cuteness.)

Anyways, I don't find many Graham fics around…. It saddens me… So, I'm gonna spread the love! Also, I'm a huge supporter of brotherly fluff in any fandom and I seem to love the "Brawns and Brains" fluff. Basically, a nerd/smart/adorkable younger brother and a mean/tough/athletic/etc... older bro. I also love it when the younger brother is like naïve and cute and the older brother love/hates him! Don't judge! Anyways, I also support Kade and Graham brotherly fluff, no incest.

ALSO, I'm setting ages for Burns family since I can't find a wiki page or anything saying their age in the show.

-Kade is 21

-Dani is 20 ish..

-Graham is 17/18 (I think he'd have graduated early from school because he's so smart)

-Cody is 11 or 12. It's hard for me XD Let's say 11.

On with the one shot, basically, Graham knows he has a condition. But he can't understand that his family loves him, no matter what. And that waking them up or having them there for him isn't a problem. Graham family fluff, some Cody and Graham fluff, and moments where family is needed for our underrated engineer.

 **Warnings…**

Slight language, because, _**Kade**_.

And, Graham (IMO) would secretly have anxiety and possibly, mild depression. He'd grow out of it, but it'll always be there in the back of his mind (lol I need a life XD). So, may be triggering.

Also, mentions thoughts of suicide, panic attacks, and other sad, depressing Graham-Cracker like things.

 _ **Disclaimer:**_

 **I DO NOT OWN THESE AMAZING CHARACTERS BY HASBRO, OKAY?!**

 **I ALSO DON'T OWN NINJA TURTLES (REFERENCE TO EPISODE "ADVENTURES IN TURTLE SITTING") OR THE OTHER TRANSFORMERS (TRANSFORMERS PRIME) WHICH IS OWNED BY HASBRO AS WELL!**

* * *

 **It starts small. No one notices at first. But eventually, no one can hide it forever…**

10 years old Graham frowned as his brother talked with his friends all cool like. Why couldn't he do that? Why was he different? He observed his sister Dani, looking so cool with the other popular kids. Why was he the only nerd? Why couldn't he fit in too?

Graham sighed as he left the window in the back of the kitchen before sneaking himself safely to his room. His older brother was playing on the basketball court with his friends whilst his sister was in the kitchen with her group. He went to his desk and sighed again, tears threating to spill. He tried observing his older brother and sister to see how to make the number of friends they do, but still, no one liked him. Kade was assertive and arrogant, but Graham thought that was bad… And Dani was confident and calm. Maybe if he started being more assertive, people will like him?

No, he tried it too many times, that made his family hate him and the bullies hurt him more. Maybe if he just asked Dani? Kade would probably be mean to Graham, but Dani would tell him how to make friends, wouldn't she?

Graham felt his bottom lip quiver as he looked down at his unfinished homework and thought about how his only friend ever moved away from the island. To the mainland.

That was what Graham wanted. On the island, things almost never changed socially. Everyone knew almost everyone and it was rare someone came and stayed. Their town was small and everyday was a simple routine.

Get up, get bullied by older siblings and fight for bathroom. Go to school, stutter in class, have teachers praise him in front of EVERYONE to embarrass him, and then get beat up after school. Not to mention the whispers in the halls throughout the day. Go home in his hood and never let anyone see.

Tears came rolling down his cheeks faster and he choked out a sob. He wished he lived on the mainland. His breathing became fast and harsh. Why was it hard to breathe?

Knocking was heard on Graham's door. Graham jumped up as he heard, "Graham? Are you okay?" came 13 years old Dani.

"Y-yes. I'-I'm f-fine." He stuttered. He yelled at himself internally. Why did he have to go and make everything awkward? Why did he ruin almost everything with his inability to socialize? Why did he have to be so different?

"Liar." Came Dani's unimpressed voice and with that, she opened his door. When she saw her second younger brother, her face lit with concern.

"What's wrong?" she questioned.

"N-nothing…" He stammered as he looked down at his khakis. He grabbed his pant legs, a nervous habit, and pushed his glasses up.

"Graham. Now." She said firmly, stepping forward to her brother. She got what she wanted, everyone in the island knew it. She was nothing short of stubborn, her mother's daughter.

Graham didn't move, just tried to steady his panicked breathing. He sensed a panic attack coming but tried to hide it.

"Graham?" Now she wasn't being harsh, her voice was gentle. She was worried now, why was his breathing fast? Finally, she turned around and yelled across their home, "Kade! Kade, it's Graham!" She yelled, kind of scared. It was rare and her being scared was something neither boys had seen since she was 8.

Kade came rushing upstairs. He didn't like his brother much, he ruined his rep since his brother was moved all the way up to his grade. And Graham was always so shy and annoying with his little science and math facts that no one cared about. He wished Graham wasn't related to him sometimes, just because everyone knew he was his brother. But even Kade cared for Graham. Secretly, but still, he only _sometimes_ wished they weren't related. And if Dani was scared, something was seriously wrong.

Dani looked at Kade with worried eyes as he entered the room, Kade quickly went over to Graham. Since their Dad and little brother were out, it was all on him as the eldest sibling to watch Graham and Dani. Their friends had left by the time Dani came to talk to Graham, only for her to hear him sobbing. She was going to ask him for help with her math homework, but thankfully, her friends and Kade's were gone.

"Wh-why is he like this?!"

"I don't know! He was crying and when I asked him what's wrong, he just- well- shut down! Did _this_!" She gestured by using her hands to fearfully show Graham's upset form.

Kade crouched down in front of Graham's desk chair to look at his closed eyes and heaving chest.

"G-go aw-way… p-please…" Graham whispered. His voice would've been harsh if it weren't for his breathlessness.

"Graham, what's up?"

"I'm f-fine… please."

"No. What's wrong!" Kade was losing his little patience.

"I… can't… breathe."

"Why!"

"I…Don't know..."

"Bullshit!" Kade knew it was a rule not to cuss, especially in front of his brothers. But Dad wasn't home and it was basically an emergency, so Kade didn't care.

"Graham…" Dani pressed.  
Graham's breathing became worse, causing Dani and Kade to stop pressing and become filled with worry.

"Dani, call Dad!"

"Alright!" Dani ran downstairs to the phone.

"Graham… Please little bro, I know I don't say it, but I care- "He swallowed his pride. "I care for you man. Please be okay? Breathe with me." Kade, in training to be a fire fighter in his family of heroes (Something he has been waiting for since he was 6), knew how to coach breathing and basic first aid. He had been promised by his Dad, despite his mother's disapproval, at the age of 10 he could begin getting trained. Four years of Saturday training, and it made him kind of sad that his first real situation was his little brother having a panic attack.

Breathing in and out together was degrading to both brothers but if it helped Graham be okay, then Kade would do it. On the other hand, Graham just didn't want to deal with the embarrassment anymore. Faster this was over, faster he could burry himself away in his room again with equations, blueprints, and computer projects. Just him and his work, like it'll probably always be.

"I called Dad! He said follow your training, he'll be home soon." Dani informed, running into the room.

"Um, okay. I think I've got him to slow down…" He said uneasily. Being the one in charge was normally something he bragged and nagged to his siblings about. About how he was the best and eldest and they had to listen to him. But now? He didn't want to be eldest anymore. Right now, he just wanted his Dad. He could make everything right again and take charge.

They continued trying to calm Graham down, and eventually, had him breathing somewhat normally. Graham blushed as he pushed his glasses up.

"I w-was going to be f-fine." He hiccupped and stammered at the same time.

"Sure." Dani scoffed and Kade rolled his eyes. Graham looked down and before either sibling could apologize, they heard the footsteps of their father down the hall.

Graham shuddered as he realized he hadn't heard their father pull up. What was he going to do? Would he stop him from being on team when he got older because of this? They were all going to see him as weak. He realized this and let more tears fall.

"Graham?"

Graham couldn't look up. Even as his siblings moved out of the way and Dani had taken their sleeping four years old brother Cody, and his father's voice sounding comforting and loving, he couldn't.

Not after he proved himself just how weak and inept he was compared to his family. After he proved he was a freak.

"Graham." His father strode forward and wrapped strong arms around Graham. Graham sobbed hard into his father's strong chest and couldn't control himself.

"I-I'm sor-uh-sorry!" He sobbed/hiccupped out.

"Son."  
"I'm w-w-eak…"  
"Graham."

His father's strict tone of voice made him look up.

"You're not weak."

Graham shook his head.

"Yes, yes I am. I'm crying and panicking for what?"  
"That's what I'd like to ask you."

Graham froze. He realized what started his attack. Loneliness. His sister seeing him being the weak freak he is. Wanting to fit in. The tears built in his eyes as he realized why no one wants to hang out with him.

' _Because I'm a nerdy wimp. Who cries about everything…'_ he thought sadly.

"Graham. What's wrong son." His father's voice remained calm and concerned the entire conversation. It made Graham feel safe, loved, and not pressured. But still…

"I can't. Y-you'd ha-hate me. And realize I'm such a f-freak…"

"Graham, you're not a freak." Dani implied from the background. She had never been one to hide her opinions. And seeing that his father didn't snap at Dani, Kade gave his opinion.

"Graham, you're like, the smartest kid in Griffin Rock. Sure, being that smart would freak the world out. But you're just… different. Better." He tried. His lack of words was frustrating him but he tried to convey his love to his brother.

Graham studied his awaiting family before explaining.

"I-I… My friend moved away. My only friend. Everyone at school teases me and picks on me! I'm alone now. Dani and you don't have to worry about friends! You're both so popular and I'm just your nerdy, wimpy, 'smart' little brother! Everyone hates me. I'm trying to be like you guys, but I can't talk to someone I don't know without stuttering like, like a freak…" His tone was sad and hurt, and Dani and Kade found themselves feeling ashamed that they never noticed their lonely little brother. And his father didn't like the way he said 'smart'. As if it wasn't true.

"Graham, you're not alone. If you ever felt lonely, you could have gone to Dani or Kade, I'm sure they would've let you be with them. And stuttering is something you should fix yes, but it's perfectly fine Graham. You're young and probably will grow out of it. And if you don't, it won't change how much we love you. Understood?"

"Un-understood…" He said, his voice wavering.

This had been his third ever panic attack, but the first one his family knew about. After that, Charles had taken him to his doctor and it had been confirmed that Graham had severe anxiety. Though, the whole burns family was thankful Graham had begun over time to grow out of stuttering and attacks were less frequent, but his anxiety was something none of his older siblings, nor father, forgot.

* * *

"Graham?" came Cody's voice from behind the bespectacled blonde who was sitting at his desk doing some homework for his online Gremsky classes.

"Yeah, Cody?"

"Ya know, it's dinner. Maybe you can eat with us?" Cody's voice was hopeful. He was missing his older brother.

Since Graham pretty much got along well with every member in the Burns family, it was no surprise Graham was the closest to Cody, especially since Graham only had one younger brother (Cody) and Cody could go to Graham to vent about being the youngest and being overprotected because Graham understood it as well. Cody and Graham were the youngest so, understandably, they were closest to each other, but all the siblings were close, regardless.

They loved each other equally, it's just that Cody held a special place for Graham. And Cody honestly looked up to all his siblings it's just that Graham was the only one with enough patience and will to teach him anything.

"Not right now bud. I promise that I'll eat as soon as I finish my work." Graham said, his eyes locked onto Cody's with earnest and promise.

"I-"

"Please Cody?"

Cody rolled his eyes and left, already regretting his bitterness since that normally wasn't who he was, but he couldn't help it. He didn't notice the sad and regretful look in Graham's eyes and stalked into the kitchen to eat with his family.

"He's not coming?" Asked his father.

"Like always." The boy huffed.

"C'mon Cody, don't take it to heart so much. It's always been like this, don't know why you're still wasting your breath." Kade said, talking around a mouth full of steamed potatoes, mixed greens, and roasted chicken.

"Ugh, cover your mouth!" Dani complained.

"Why doesn't he ever eat with us?" Cody asked innocently, his voice showing hurt and betrayal.

Charles sighed and sat Cody down. He looked him in the eye and explained. "Right now, Graham's busy. Between classes, rescue work, and his own time, he doesn't have time to sit and eat. I know son, I wish he could eat with us too, but he's under a lot of stress. I promise to make sure he eats before I turn in." His father explained carefully.

"Yea, plus, Graham's too nice to leave us hanging for too long. He'll find a way to start eating with us." Dani offered.

Cody sighed, "I guess."

The family continued eating, not knowing a certain engineer had heard.

* * *

"Boulder." Graham said desperately as he found him and the other bots lounging around the base.

"Yes Graham."  
"Do you, do you think I'm neglecting my family?" He questioned nervously.

"Well, my scanners have indicated that the stress chemical found in humans called- "

"Not now Chase…" Heatwave warned angrily.

"Seriously guys… Am I doing something wrong." He figured they'd be the most straight forward and honest source of opinion.

"I know you don't spend much time with them, but there is no way you are neglecting your family." Boulder said, honestly wondering why his partner was asking him this.

"Why?" Blades asked, he'd been focusing on his cartoons when all this had happened.

"Because I hurt Cody by not showing up to eat dinner with everyone else just now… But I don't just wanna barge in and ruin things. Make things…"

"I believe the word you are searching for is, Awkward." Chase informed.

"Yeah, awkward." He nodded.

"Don't worry Graham, Cody just doesn't understand these things yet. He's just a kid." Boulder explained gently.

"Thanks guys." He forced a smile.

* * *

Later that night, Graham didn't get any sleep per usual. And as every night he pretended to go to bed, stared at the ceiling thinking dark thoughts for a couple hours, and when he was sure everyone and everybot was shut down/asleep, got up and did some late-night work to give him something other than darkness to focus on.

Absorbed into his work, he didn't sense the presence next to him.

"Up again?"  
Graham sighed internally before shifting to face his father.

"Yes. Sorry for worrying you Dad."

"It's alright Graham. I have a feeling this has to do with Cody?"

Graham broke.

"Yeah. I don't know I was hurting you guys! I just- I wanna- "Graham got caught up and when Charlie put his hands on his son's shoulders, he felt the tension melt.

"Deep breathes son."

Graham calmed himself to prevent another attack.

"I just can't believe I've been this bad at overworking."

"Sometimes I do that too Graham. With patrolling."  
"Really?"  
"Yes." He hugged Graham tightly, Graham let his father embrace him.

After minutes of silent hugging and supporting, Graham finally spoke. "I just don't wanna think… about some things. If I work, my mind stays away from negative things." Graham explained, his voice wavering and stammering a bit.

"What kind of things?"

"Bad things Dad."

Charles didn't push but kept a mental note to keep better watch on his second youngest.

"I don't wanna talk, about it."  
"I understand son. You know we love you, right?"  
"Yeah…"

"Alright. I'll let you stay up tonight. But I want you asleep soon, understood? It isn't healthy to lose so much sleep."

"I know Dad, sorry." Graham sighed, pulling away from his father.

"Just know we love you Graham. We couldn't lose you, I couldn't lose any of you." Charles's eyes were full of compassion and love as he looked at Graham. Graham nodded and whispered, "I'm not going to do anything. I promise."

"Good. Night son."

"Goodnight."

Graham sighed once his father left.

' _I shouldn't be worrying him. It's not his fault I'm a useless son._ ' He thought, tears trailing down his face.

' _I ruin everything for everyone. Everyone eats so happily at the table like a normal family, and then I mess everything up and make it weird. I bring everyone down. Maybe those kids in camp were right; I should be dead.'_ He sobbed at that, but kept it choked and quiet. He didn't need to wake anyone else up with his dumb issues.

' _I mean, I basically ruin everything, I can't socialize, and I've let them down. I should've gone to Gremsky, then they wouldn't have to deal with me. Boulder was wrong, there is a difference between me and him. He will always be useful. I never will, no matter how much I try to pretend I am. I even turned into a monster and could've hurt someone, or worse, someone in my family. I'm a mistake. I should've shipped myself off when I had the chance.'_ He thought, sobbing.

He closed his laptop but didn't clean up his work space and quieted himself enough to get to his room. Once there, he got under the covers like he used to, and he cried.

He cried.

And then got no sleep, knowing what tomorrow would bring.

* * *

 _It was a normal thing for them to get trapped underground, isn't it?_

* * *

Okay…. Dark. I know, I didn't know I'd go so deep. I just feel Graham would be so passive and nice on the outside, but dark and sad on the inside. Plus, imagine being already so different from your family and then turning into a monster and having a chance of killing them or bystanders? (Kind of reminds me of Don in the '03 turtles with the "Adventures in Turtle Sitting" episode.)

And think of it, their father is a cop, Kade is a fire fighter, Dani is (I forgot technical name) those people in helicopters that do air surveillance and help put out fires and save people and stuff, and Cody is, well, the baby of the family. I feel like Graham isn't given a job besides the guy that drives a bulldozer. He's an engineer, yes, but in terms of heroes? Nothing. So, "Family of Heroes" isn't exactly right. It makes me wonder if he (if he was real XD) would realize that too and feel like an outcast.

So, yea, darkness and depression for my little Graham-Cracker. Yes, Graham cracker. BTW if you didn't pick up on the next line, it's because the episode (or second episode I forgot) after "Feed the Beast" (Ep where he turns into monster from 'Magic Meat') the episode is about them getting stranded in the underground and I feel Graham would be thinking that sarcastically since they always seem to be living extraordinary lives.

'Till next time.


End file.
